I think if you made a chart correlating aging to trying new things you would end up with a direct downward curve… also I’m not a charts, math, or shape person, so this is very much a guess-work description (and I also asked a friend… who is maybe a math or shapes person). The point is that we often try less things as we age (my theory), and I think this stems from a lot of reasons… settling into our stations in life, a higher tendency to self protect and not put ourselves in vulnerable situations, and, likely, just plain old apathy and inertia when it comes to trying something we know will require work (but does not promise immediate, meaningful results). Most importantly, I think we are simply not afforded the opportunity to try new things as we age, as it feels sort of frowned upon (at least in a Puritanical American sense) to be frivolously dallying in things that are inessential for bread winning, or not readily attributable to your current day to day life. New things, and buffeting in random skills/behaviors, feels like a behavior for the young and promising, not the decade (s) plus graduates of undergrad or grad school. As mentioned in my previous blog entry, it is one of Cosmic Honey’s true gifts in that it affords (and demands) that its residents not only pick up new skills, but actively/immediately use them in order to accomplish the work and activities of a given day.
I found out quickly at Cosmic that I am very bad at so many things! I was shielded from this in my previous, deceptively competent city life. I could do the things that needed to be done, and with very few periods where I felt totally inept for weeks at a time (only occasionally in LA!). I was able to smash through this unearned sense of self-efficacy by day 2 at Cosmic :), as I was somehow bad at every activity, every role, and every project I was involved in… other than taking pictures on my iphone of the people doing a less bad job on the same projects. Also, for a film school graduate, the pictures weren’t… great (at first).
Drilling. Concrete pouring. Bolt Cutting. Hedge trimming. Chain sawing. Trail clearing. Cooking (for many). When you don’t know what the fuck you’re doing you feel like each task you’re doing is really 3 tasks: 1) Locating the proper tool, 2) Misusing that tool, and 3) Finding the tool you actually need, and using that tool in a way that doesn’t make those around you nervous. It’s TAXING and keeps the mind suspended in a state of perpetual doubt… with my underlying phrase to self being: “Careful Jonathan… You’re about to fuck something up.” But… after a few days in the in the doubt blender, alternating between helping build a barn, and helping prepare a Thai fusion dish for a party of 10 other community members… I started to feel my head slowly start to emerge from my ass.
My innate fear response has always been trained to doubt the new, and avoid the inconceivable, and over the years I think this has really stalled certain developments of my “self.” But, last week.. I helped build a fucking barn. There is no internal schematic where that fits a long term goal for me, or would be something I ever gave craps about doing… but it happened, and it was good for me in a non Point A to Point B sort of way that I will probably never be able to verbally quantify.
Lessons. You forget that at camp, school, and even early in your career, there are people, and sometimes even a Community, that pushes you to do shit that you don’t want to do… but NEEDS to get done. You feel tired when doing these tasks. You feel inept. You feel exposed…. And at Cosmic Honey you can often end up feeling all of these things in the same day because you never God damn leave (!), but… the longer you stick with it, and the more and more you remove your mind from the endless thought loops of expectations, goals, and anxieties that have driven it for so long… you eventually feel gratitude. I am so lucky that there is a place at this point in my life that allows me to be so horrible at so many things. And it’s pretty too!
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